Report: Updating Blogs With iPod Touch Is Awesdme

SOMEWHERE WITH WIFI—According to anyone with an iPod Touch, the Apple periphery’s capacity for keeping blogs up-to-date is umparalleled. The iPod’s high-speed WiFi capabilities and intuitive touch keypad reportedly make it possible to quiclky and erasily update blogs from ckass, while at woek and even while sittting on the toulet. Additionally, users are applauding the word processor’s auto-correct feature, which instantly changes a typo to the word the user was most likely trying to spill. Experts are calling the iPod Touch’s capabilities one of the most significant advances in mobile web-surfing technology since the first Internet-capable cell phones made it easier 2 send emails.

Actual Texts From Last Night Not Very Funny

Evening's best text: "ready to get WASTE?"

MCCONNELL HALL--Engineering first-year Noah Schumer made the disappointed declaration Sunday morning that nothing in his phone’s inbox was funny enough to merit submission to the popular website Texts From Last Night.

Upon arrival in late August, Schumer was certain that one morning he’d find “the perfect text” describing a drunken exploit or a sexual faux-pas in the hilariously concise fashion customary to TFLN’s daily offerings. A month later, however, Schumer faces the bleak possibility that his frosh experience may not have yielded any site-worthy texts.

“I’ve been writing down all the possible contenders,” Schumer said, brandishing a notebook labeled INTRO TO MECH ENGINEERING, “but the offerings are still pretty weak.” Schumer’s current top three:

“In no dunk I sware” Eric, 9/18, 21:58
“A homeless man saw me puke.” Kay, 9/26, 00:04
“Whaleftis do im in the gone di. Its” Eric, 9/19, 01:31

Schumer attributes his string of semi-interesting text messages to various circumstances. In many cases, the situations described seemed ripe for submission but were not communicated hilariously enough. Classmate Ana Harel’s period coinciding with Frosh Week, for instance, was “golden”, but communicated in a depressing series of about fifteen short texts rather than one cynical exchange.

“It seemed like one of those classic TFLN situations where a stroke of bad luck makes you miss some major hookup opportunities,” Schumer said wistfully. “But by the time I texted her to say ‘So what’s the problem again?’ she had dropped her phone in the toilet at Tokyo.”

In other cases—“like convincing the German exchange student that Café Campus was a no-pants bar”—the participants neglected to actually text-message details of the situation to each other. Still other texts regrettably described hilarious incidents hand-in-hand with their grim conclusions.

“That text about [roommate] Luc [Dufresne] chugging the Jager to impress [classmate] Alice [Chernick] would have been perfect,” Schumer said, “if it hadn’t ended with ‘do you know if mcgills insurance covers stomach pumps?’.”

Schumer refuses to attribute the lack of witty, attention-grabbing texts to his own lack of witty, attention-grabbing friends. “There’s this one great message where [floormate] Dana [Maincent] called her boobs her ‘bobs’,” Schumer said, still chuckling at the memory, “but it was cushioned in this incoherent Pita Pit ramble. If I could cut and paste, that’d be great, but TFLN has a certain integrity to uphold.”

While Schumer still faithfully records every drunken text, his fruitless September has dampened his hopes of ever seeing a 514 of his own on textsfromlastnight.com. Schumer quipped, “The people on that website seem a lot more verbose and witty than my friends and I usually are after partying.”

Mused Schumer, “I guess maybe we’re not drinking enough.”

Future Shop Employee Struggling To Keep Straight Face While Pitching Extended Warranty

RCMP lays off guards, puts sign-in sheets at US-Canada border

US-CANADA BORDER--The under-staffed Royal Canadian Mounted Police trimmed its budget this week by replacing the majority of its border guards with sign-in sheets. "The RCMP is currently in a hiring freeze--however, we cannot close down any more border crossings without severely handicapping the Canadian tourism industry," said Canadian Minister of Public Safety Charles Van Deere in a press release last Friday. "The sign-in sheet solution allows us to minimize our expenses while maintaining full border inspection standards." Van Deere added that each sign-in sheet includes an attached pen and performs all of a border guard's functions--asking in English or French for guests' passport numbers and the details of their visit--with the added bonus of a friendly, trusting attitude. The sheets themselves, Van Deere said, will be rigorously inspected "at the end of every day, or at least every other day".

Former RCMP constables are naturally critical of the sign-in sheet solution, notably former RCMP Commissioner Edmond R. Hunt, who calls the sheets a paltry replacement for actual border guards. "What happens when the pen runs out of ink?" Hunt demanded at an Ottawa police banquet on Saturday night. "And those clipboards are really awkward to reach from your car." Criticism notwithstanding, the introduction of the sign-in sheets has led to a 23% rise in Canadian tourism and, according to the sheets' "Any illegal merchandise?" column, a 99% decrease in smuggling. The sheets also act as a national guestbook for the nation of Canada, allowing visitors to see who else crossed the border today; recent guests at the I-87 crossing into Quebec, for instance, include Mortimer Snuffleupagus, CANADA ISGAY, and Daffy Duck.

E-mail broadcast regarding obliteration of Bronfman building completely ignored

BRONFMAN BUILDING--Announcing the Bronfman building's total destruction primarily as one of the Administrative Coordinator's mass e-mail broadcasts left virtually all summer Management students shocked today to find a smoldering crater where the building used to be. Despite being used at least four times a week to warn students of late-night water shut-offs and new trash can locations, the faculty's universal indifference to the e-mail broadcasts was evidenced this morning by the hundreds of students standing dumbfounded around the heap of flaming wreckage the Management building has become. "The maintenance e-mails?" asked Finance major Sharon Shiu, approaching the McTavish-Sherbrooke corner upwind of the Bronfman crater's toxic fumes. "I get so many of those I had my friend in IT set up a filter to route them right to the Trash folder. Hey, where's our building?"

The Bronfman maintenance staff's Twitter account was also used to broadcast the building's annihilation, but had too few followers for the Tweet "Breaking out HAZ-mats to clean up Bronf wreckage" to reach anyone but the custodians' friends and family members.

Cash-strapped student tries to pass off outdated history textbook as "alternative"

HAVEN BOOKS--Following Haven Books' refusal to buy back the twenty-year-old history textbook whose resale proceeds were supposed to be Jerry Pausner's beer fund for the weekend, the U2 Linguistics student is currently accusing the bookstore of refusing to resell his father's high school copy of Modern World History due to its "unpopular" stance that Ronald Reagan is the current President of the United States. According to bookstore sources, Pausner has questioned SSMU's integrity for running a bookstore that would censor textbooks promoting the "alternative" viewpoint that the year is 1987. "This is a liberal university that is supposed to act as an open forum for critical discussion, so why won't our student union buy back a textbook whose authors choose to recognize the Soviet Union as a functioning nation-state?" Pausner loudly demanded at the Haven cash register in a brash demonstration that as of press time was fooling no one.

Montreal Francophones, Anglophones Unite In Hatred Of Klingonophones

Value Village opens retail outlet in Candiac

New Value Vale offers refuse, rags, calls it clothing
ValueVale.com, which allows customers to put third-hand items on online reserve

CANDIAC—Value Village, the popular Pacific Northwest second-hand shopping chain with 200 locations worldwide, opened its first "Value Vale" factory outlet in Candiac last Wednesday morning to offer clothing items whose irregularities and imperfections make them unfit for ordinary thrift shops.

“We are very pleased to open the first of what we hope will become a household name for fourth- and fifth-hand clothing,” said Value Village CEO Ken Alterman, who sported one of the outlet's top-selling oil-stained suit jackets for the Value Vale ribbon cutting. “If you're looking for bargains on the best of what the bottom of the barrel has to offer, look no further than Value Vale."

Value Village, currently the top choice among Canadian consumers seeking used clothing at fair prices, hopes to use the Value Vale outlet to offload the small portion of its retail stock that genuinely horrifies even these consumers.

"Our motto is 'No givebacks'," said Harold Barrens, Value Vale's sales manager. The sales staff is trained to haggle with consumers--with negotiable discounts ranging from 15 to 99 percent--or, failing these techniques, to stuff the clothing into the customer's purse or bag when they are not looking.

Value Vale is already facing scathing criticism from its upscale competitors, including Montreal thrift franchise Second Time Around and the Salvation Army, who have decried its offerings as "low-quality" "ragged" and "poisonous". Barrens, however, stands behind the quality of the store's merchandise.

"Personally, I think age just adds character to clothing," Barrens said. "Take these boxers. What's the history in their folds? If this leopard-print pattern of stains could speak, what stories would it tell?"

Like other Value Village locations, which boast the ability to furnish a room for under $50, Value Vale also offers a wide variety of non-clothing items, including three-legged chairs and deflated soccer balls.

“Take this gizmo,” Barrens said, holding up a conical aluminum object with a rusty metal hook hanging from it. “Ran over it on my way here this morning. Could make a great lawn decoration or a unique Christmas tree ornament, only two dollars!”

Inspecting the rust on the hook's sharply bent end, Barrens paused and affixed a bright orange "Half-Off" sticker to the item. "We'll give this a seasonal discount."

Value Vale's early customers have responded positively to the store's unique convenience features, including a vending machine full of torn neckties and a coin-operated "Play 'Til You Win" game that allows shoppers to pluck unmatchable socks with a lever-operated claw. The latter is especially popular with Value Vale's younger clientele.

"The trick is to grab the socks by the big holes in their toes!" said Jean-Philippe Bardot, 7, who accumulated over a dozen faded white Sportsocks while his mother examined the store's latchless bras.

Local students, who have long appreciated the "hipster" appeal of Value Village's quirkier offerings, have flocked to Value Vale for the opportunity to emphasize their individuality through their garments' crippling flaws.

"It's refreshing to find a place so far outside of the mass-manufactured fashion mainstream," said Rebecca Wiviott, a 22-year-old Greek Theatre major at Concordia who calls shopping at Value Vale "second only to dumpster diving" in terms of offbeat findings. "I'm glad to recycle this clothing with so many of my classmates getting uppity about who's wearing what brand name. When you think about it, does anyone really need a blouse with both of its sleeves intact?"

Dean of Desautels Finally Figures Out What The Asterisks in B**R Stand For

“What do you mean, there won't be any boar at the quatre à sept?”

Management expels student for possession of morals, conscience

Finance Major involuntarily relocated to Leacock


SAMUEL L. BRONFMAN BUILDING--In its first behavior-related expulsion in seven years, the Desautels Faculty of Management quietly transferred former U2 Finance Stephen Knotts to the Faculty of Arts for suspected possession of ethics, values, and an unchecked conscience.

According to an anonymous faculty insider, the faculty informed Knotts of his impending transfer to the General Arts program via e-mail last Monday. Prompted by new evidence connecting Knotts to a rash of subversive “PEOPLE FIRST” graffiti on the Bronfman bathroom walls, the e-mail politely but firmly cited Knotts’ “unwillingness to forsake childish notions of right and wrong” as the primary reason for his transfer.

Despite the infrequence of such relocations, Knotts’ expulsion came as no surprise to economics professor Sandra Gudat, who this year forcibly ejected Knotts from her Applied Corporate Finance class after reading his paper “Giving the Consumer Back Their Surplus”.

“As a faculty, we have high behavioral standards to uphold,” Gudat said. “Committing to a cold and conscience-free career in finance…[and then] turning in papers on corporate ethics and offering your efforts to orphanages free of charge doesn’t just reflect a student’s hypocrisy, it suggests a lax and ineffective faculty.”

While Gudat, who also teaches U1 Managerial Economics, recognizes the lingering difficulty some second-years face with the “world-class conscience-numbing” Desautels offers, she found Knotts’ resistance as a third-year simply delinquent.

“When you’re a U2 student who’s still wasting valuable class time asking about a marketing policy’s sociological or environmental impacts, it’s an issue of maturity,” said Gudat. “This is a world-class business school, not a kindergarten.”

Knotts, who is spending the week at a sustainable development rally in Ottawa, was unavailable for comment, but close friend Lauren Salsburg, U2 Marketing, is disgusted that the faculty so strictly regulates students’ personal lives. While conceding that some of Knotts’ hobbies—such as giving homeless people his spare change—were “a bit weird”, she remained adamant that expulsion was a disproportionate and unfair response.

“It’s like Big Brother runs our faculty,” Salsburg said. “I remember Stephen sent me his Organizational Behavior notes last year and the professor took five points off his grade because he didn’t charge me for them. The administration has no right to chuck him into Arts just because he’s a little different.”

Most of Knotts’ former classmates, however, were relieved by the expulsion, citing a desire for a “more professional work atmosphere.”

“Stephen was really smart, there’s no question about that,” said U2 Operations Management Alex Huot, who worked with Knotts on an International Business group project. “But he wasted time on the most pointless stuff. We’d ask him to draw up a paragraph on positive externalities and he’d spend a few hours Wikipedia-ing the toxic effects of corporate expansion.”

Huot added that while Knotts’ repeated class disruptions were “funny” at first, after a while even the other students got sick of Knotts’ preposterous outbursts.

“I told him, dude, the word ‘not-for-profit’ is only funny the first couple of times,” Huot said. “If he wants to be a comedian, fine, but the rest of us want jobs.”

Knotts’ dismissal marks the first mandatory faculty transfer since September 2002, when U3 Economics major Alice Hodges returned from a summer internship with ethical watchdog group Corporate Accountability International to find her graduation request denied and her major changed on Minerva to "Being A Big Sissy".

The faculty has never publicly commented on behavioral expulsions but did forward an e-mail to all management students last Tuesday restating the portion of the Desautels Code of Conduct relevant to Knotts’ case. The paragraph, section 1.4 of the code, emphasizes zero tolerance for any third-year or beyond “who behaves or appears to behave according to any sort of moral and/or ethical standard, or who is found promoting possession of such a standard.”

Desautels advisor Suriya Jenkins refused to comment on Knotts specifically but did say that Desautels “simply isn’t made for some people.”

“We administrators are not here to regulate personal choice,” Jenkins said. “The literally thousands of students at McGill who like to quote-unquote ‘feel feelings’ are what makes this such an inclusive and diverse institution.

“The Desautels Faculty of Management, however, is for students who hope to someday be gainfully employed.”


Top left: The former Finance major building houses in St Anne de Bellevue
Bottom: One of Knotts' many failing papers on social responsibility.