Actual Texts From Last Night Not Very Funny

Evening's best text: "ready to get WASTE?"

MCCONNELL HALL--Engineering first-year Noah Schumer made the disappointed declaration Sunday morning that nothing in his phone’s inbox was funny enough to merit submission to the popular website Texts From Last Night.

Upon arrival in late August, Schumer was certain that one morning he’d find “the perfect text” describing a drunken exploit or a sexual faux-pas in the hilariously concise fashion customary to TFLN’s daily offerings. A month later, however, Schumer faces the bleak possibility that his frosh experience may not have yielded any site-worthy texts.

“I’ve been writing down all the possible contenders,” Schumer said, brandishing a notebook labeled INTRO TO MECH ENGINEERING, “but the offerings are still pretty weak.” Schumer’s current top three:

“In no dunk I sware” Eric, 9/18, 21:58
“A homeless man saw me puke.” Kay, 9/26, 00:04
“Whaleftis do im in the gone di. Its” Eric, 9/19, 01:31

Schumer attributes his string of semi-interesting text messages to various circumstances. In many cases, the situations described seemed ripe for submission but were not communicated hilariously enough. Classmate Ana Harel’s period coinciding with Frosh Week, for instance, was “golden”, but communicated in a depressing series of about fifteen short texts rather than one cynical exchange.

“It seemed like one of those classic TFLN situations where a stroke of bad luck makes you miss some major hookup opportunities,” Schumer said wistfully. “But by the time I texted her to say ‘So what’s the problem again?’ she had dropped her phone in the toilet at Tokyo.”

In other cases—“like convincing the German exchange student that Café Campus was a no-pants bar”—the participants neglected to actually text-message details of the situation to each other. Still other texts regrettably described hilarious incidents hand-in-hand with their grim conclusions.

“That text about [roommate] Luc [Dufresne] chugging the Jager to impress [classmate] Alice [Chernick] would have been perfect,” Schumer said, “if it hadn’t ended with ‘do you know if mcgills insurance covers stomach pumps?’.”

Schumer refuses to attribute the lack of witty, attention-grabbing texts to his own lack of witty, attention-grabbing friends. “There’s this one great message where [floormate] Dana [Maincent] called her boobs her ‘bobs’,” Schumer said, still chuckling at the memory, “but it was cushioned in this incoherent Pita Pit ramble. If I could cut and paste, that’d be great, but TFLN has a certain integrity to uphold.”

While Schumer still faithfully records every drunken text, his fruitless September has dampened his hopes of ever seeing a 514 of his own on textsfromlastnight.com. Schumer quipped, “The people on that website seem a lot more verbose and witty than my friends and I usually are after partying.”

Mused Schumer, “I guess maybe we’re not drinking enough.”