US-CANADA BORDER--The under-staffed Royal Canadian Mounted Police trimmed its budget this week by replacing the majority of its border guards with sign-in sheets. "The RCMP is currently in a hiring freeze--however, we cannot close down any more border crossings without severely handicapping the Canadian tourism industry," said Canadian Minister of Public Safety Charles Van Deere in a press release last Friday. "The sign-in sheet solution allows us to minimize our expenses while maintaining full border inspection standards." Van Deere added that each sign-in sheet includes an attached pen and performs all of a border guard's functions--asking in English or French for guests' passport numbers and the details of their visit--with the added bonus of a friendly, trusting attitude. The sheets themselves, Van Deere said, will be rigorously inspected "at the end of every day, or at least every other day".
Former RCMP constables are naturally critical of the sign-in sheet solution, notably former RCMP Commissioner Edmond R. Hunt, who calls the sheets a paltry replacement for actual border guards. "What happens when the pen runs out of ink?" Hunt demanded at an Ottawa police banquet on Saturday night. "And those clipboards are really awkward to reach from your car." Criticism notwithstanding, the introduction of the sign-in sheets has led to a 23% rise in Canadian tourism and, according to the sheets' "Any illegal merchandise?" column, a 99% decrease in smuggling. The sheets also act as a national guestbook for the nation of Canada, allowing visitors to see who else crossed the border today; recent guests at the I-87 crossing into Quebec, for instance, include Mortimer Snuffleupagus, CANADA ISGAY, and Daffy Duck.
